My last piece discussed my son's failures and the harm he caused. Equally responsible for Aaron landing in our care is Aaron's mother, "Mary". A likable, but troubled girl who could not place the needs of her child ahead of her own. Unlike my son's childhood, Mary's childhood was anything but typical. Sharing her role in the events leading to our adopting Aaron will be more extensive, so please bear with me. The emotional and psychological issues exhibited by Aaron's mother can be attributed to her own experiences in life. My knowledge of her experiences afforded me far more patience than I might have otherwise had in my dealings with her.
Mary was born to a drug addicted prostitute. Mary's maternal grandmother was an alcoholic. When Mary was an infant she and her sister were removed from her mother's care and placed in a foster home. The two girls were eventually adopted by their foster parents. Later, their foster father also fell to drug addiction and the adoptive parents divorced. The girls acted out with extreme behavioral issues in adolescence and the adoptive mother no longer felt capable of managing them; she placed them in the care of the state. Mary was bounced around various group and foster homes maintaining her destructive behavior. She was ejected from some homes due to violence and a general inability to "play nice" with others. She was diagnosed with various emotional and psychological disorders including depression, bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Though, my college psychology education was limited to Psyche 101 and Abnormal Psyche, I would be willing to bet money on her also having narcissistic personality disorder. At age 16 she was in a foster home and went to the mall with friends. That is where she met my son and they proceeded to change all the plans my husband and I had made for our future.
It quickly became clear to me that Mary had deep issues and I disapproved of the relationship. However, I believed the more I tried to dissuade my son from the relationship the more he would pursue it. My son broke off his relationship with Mary several times and each time she would claim to be pregnant in order to lure him back into her arms. She hatched up various sympathy ploys to maintain his attention, telling stories that she had been raped by her adoptive father and passed around to his friends (determined to be false after conversations with her foster mother and her biological sister); that she had been raped by a neighbor, that she was beaten up or victimized in numerous scenarios. My gullible son sucked it all in and never questioned any of it. When she ran away from her foster home, my son ran away from home to so that Mary wouldn't be out on the streets alone. Eventually she did become pregnant with our Aaron and her social worker approached us to ask if we would consider assuming legal guardianship of Mary. I know what you're thinking...We must have been completely insane to contemplate such a situation. I suppose we were, we were insanely concerned about our first grandchild and our potential role in his life before he was even born. If we did not assume guardianship of Mary she would be placed in another foster home and there was no way to know where or how far away it might be. By this time she was 6 months shy of her 18th birthday and we would only be responsible for her a short time. Plus, as I stated before, she was very likable in spite of the obvious dysfunction. She is very charismatic and has a great sense of humor, she can be sweet and almost childlike at times. My "save the world" heart jumped out on my sleeve and I thought this girl is the result of the only life she's known. My family could teach her acceptable behavior and unconditional love.... I know, I know, I am not typically a sucker for happily ever after stories, but the alternate vision of my grandson's future was not something I was ready to consider.
We set the kids up in a small efficiency apartment, bought them furniture, household items, everything the baby would need. We paid their rent and bills, we bought a vehicle to get them to doctors appointments and our son to a job (when and if he ever found one). We thought we were providing them all the necessary tools to make their life stable and functional. Yet, it was anything but stable and functional. The police were called regularly because of fighting, often because Mary was assaulting my son which resulted in her arrest and me having to sign her out of jail. On another occasion they and some friends taunted another group of kids who arrived at the apartment, broke in and assaulted them and their friends.
In the month following Aaron's birth, things had quieted down and I hoped some normalcy was finally shaping in the future. I was wrong. When Aaron was a month old the couple again argued and Mary decided to leave my son and the baby and go spend a couple of days with her sister. It was the day my son harmed Aaron. In the initial investigation social workers and investigators questioned whether my son's admission of guilt was an effort to cover for Mary who had the violent history. I desperately wanted to believe that rather than believe my son capable of causing such harm. But, after so many versions of what happened that day we probably will never know the truth.
During the investigation Aaron was placed with myself and my husband until he was three and half months old. At that time the state placed him with his mother in a state run, supervised home for at risk mothers. Mary was expected to follow the rules and complete the program in order to keep her son. She lasted 6 months with numerous problems in the program. We noticed in the last few weeks of her stay in the group home that her care of our grandson was lessening. She would drop him off with us in the dead of winter in Maine wearing a T-shirt with a medium weight coat. His arms would feel frigid when I took his coat off. Other times his diaper was soaked through, his nose coated in dried snot, and he was always sick and dirty. I would bite my tongue out of fear of her denying us access to him, but would silently curse the group home staff for not instructing her and ensuring his care. The night before Mary decided to leave the group home she called me to discuss how she was feeling. She admitted that she was neglecting Aaron, that she would leave him in his crib to cry for extended periods, that she would toss him Cheerios for breakfast rather than make him a meal, etc. I begged her to stay in the program and told her it was good that she was owning her faults and that she now had a chance to recognize them and make the changes necessary to be a good mom. I told her that she was probably feeling depressed and overwhelmed at the moment, that she may feel better in a few days and change her mind. I asked her to give it another week or two before making a rash decision and she said she would. The very next morning the social worker called me to say Mary was leaving the program and asked if we were still willing to take Aaron. We did.
After Mary left the group home her life and decisions did not improve, if anything they deteriorated further. She and friends broke into a former roommate's home at 3AM with the roommate's young children present and assaulted the woman. Mary was also cited for driving a carload of intoxicated people around without a driver's license (she only had her learners permit). She missed her court date for both offenses, had warrants issued for her arrest and was arrested twice within one month's time. Her trips to come see Aaron went from every other week to every other month to once every 6 months. At one point she was engaged to my son, dating another man and pregnant by a third man. She miscarried her baby and a month later became pregnant again by another man. She gave birth prematurely to a baby girl a couple of months ago and is now in yet another group home for troubled mothers. I have little faith in her ability to make the necessary changes in her thinking and behavior to better the lives of herself and her new daughter.
I am left wondering about the hereditary nature of addiction, emotional and psychological disorders. I can fight off the monsters and dysfunction that are reality based and tangible. I can shield Aaron from the stupidity and irresponsibility of his biological parent's decisions and behaviors. But, how can I protect him from biological factors that may already be predetermined? How can I defend him against a legacy of dysfunction that is present in multiple generations?
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Mary was born to a drug addicted prostitute. Mary's maternal grandmother was an alcoholic. When Mary was an infant she and her sister were removed from her mother's care and placed in a foster home. The two girls were eventually adopted by their foster parents. Later, their foster father also fell to drug addiction and the adoptive parents divorced. The girls acted out with extreme behavioral issues in adolescence and the adoptive mother no longer felt capable of managing them; she placed them in the care of the state. Mary was bounced around various group and foster homes maintaining her destructive behavior. She was ejected from some homes due to violence and a general inability to "play nice" with others. She was diagnosed with various emotional and psychological disorders including depression, bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Though, my college psychology education was limited to Psyche 101 and Abnormal Psyche, I would be willing to bet money on her also having narcissistic personality disorder. At age 16 she was in a foster home and went to the mall with friends. That is where she met my son and they proceeded to change all the plans my husband and I had made for our future.
It quickly became clear to me that Mary had deep issues and I disapproved of the relationship. However, I believed the more I tried to dissuade my son from the relationship the more he would pursue it. My son broke off his relationship with Mary several times and each time she would claim to be pregnant in order to lure him back into her arms. She hatched up various sympathy ploys to maintain his attention, telling stories that she had been raped by her adoptive father and passed around to his friends (determined to be false after conversations with her foster mother and her biological sister); that she had been raped by a neighbor, that she was beaten up or victimized in numerous scenarios. My gullible son sucked it all in and never questioned any of it. When she ran away from her foster home, my son ran away from home to so that Mary wouldn't be out on the streets alone. Eventually she did become pregnant with our Aaron and her social worker approached us to ask if we would consider assuming legal guardianship of Mary. I know what you're thinking...We must have been completely insane to contemplate such a situation. I suppose we were, we were insanely concerned about our first grandchild and our potential role in his life before he was even born. If we did not assume guardianship of Mary she would be placed in another foster home and there was no way to know where or how far away it might be. By this time she was 6 months shy of her 18th birthday and we would only be responsible for her a short time. Plus, as I stated before, she was very likable in spite of the obvious dysfunction. She is very charismatic and has a great sense of humor, she can be sweet and almost childlike at times. My "save the world" heart jumped out on my sleeve and I thought this girl is the result of the only life she's known. My family could teach her acceptable behavior and unconditional love.... I know, I know, I am not typically a sucker for happily ever after stories, but the alternate vision of my grandson's future was not something I was ready to consider.
We set the kids up in a small efficiency apartment, bought them furniture, household items, everything the baby would need. We paid their rent and bills, we bought a vehicle to get them to doctors appointments and our son to a job (when and if he ever found one). We thought we were providing them all the necessary tools to make their life stable and functional. Yet, it was anything but stable and functional. The police were called regularly because of fighting, often because Mary was assaulting my son which resulted in her arrest and me having to sign her out of jail. On another occasion they and some friends taunted another group of kids who arrived at the apartment, broke in and assaulted them and their friends.
In the month following Aaron's birth, things had quieted down and I hoped some normalcy was finally shaping in the future. I was wrong. When Aaron was a month old the couple again argued and Mary decided to leave my son and the baby and go spend a couple of days with her sister. It was the day my son harmed Aaron. In the initial investigation social workers and investigators questioned whether my son's admission of guilt was an effort to cover for Mary who had the violent history. I desperately wanted to believe that rather than believe my son capable of causing such harm. But, after so many versions of what happened that day we probably will never know the truth.
During the investigation Aaron was placed with myself and my husband until he was three and half months old. At that time the state placed him with his mother in a state run, supervised home for at risk mothers. Mary was expected to follow the rules and complete the program in order to keep her son. She lasted 6 months with numerous problems in the program. We noticed in the last few weeks of her stay in the group home that her care of our grandson was lessening. She would drop him off with us in the dead of winter in Maine wearing a T-shirt with a medium weight coat. His arms would feel frigid when I took his coat off. Other times his diaper was soaked through, his nose coated in dried snot, and he was always sick and dirty. I would bite my tongue out of fear of her denying us access to him, but would silently curse the group home staff for not instructing her and ensuring his care. The night before Mary decided to leave the group home she called me to discuss how she was feeling. She admitted that she was neglecting Aaron, that she would leave him in his crib to cry for extended periods, that she would toss him Cheerios for breakfast rather than make him a meal, etc. I begged her to stay in the program and told her it was good that she was owning her faults and that she now had a chance to recognize them and make the changes necessary to be a good mom. I told her that she was probably feeling depressed and overwhelmed at the moment, that she may feel better in a few days and change her mind. I asked her to give it another week or two before making a rash decision and she said she would. The very next morning the social worker called me to say Mary was leaving the program and asked if we were still willing to take Aaron. We did.
After Mary left the group home her life and decisions did not improve, if anything they deteriorated further. She and friends broke into a former roommate's home at 3AM with the roommate's young children present and assaulted the woman. Mary was also cited for driving a carload of intoxicated people around without a driver's license (she only had her learners permit). She missed her court date for both offenses, had warrants issued for her arrest and was arrested twice within one month's time. Her trips to come see Aaron went from every other week to every other month to once every 6 months. At one point she was engaged to my son, dating another man and pregnant by a third man. She miscarried her baby and a month later became pregnant again by another man. She gave birth prematurely to a baby girl a couple of months ago and is now in yet another group home for troubled mothers. I have little faith in her ability to make the necessary changes in her thinking and behavior to better the lives of herself and her new daughter.
I am left wondering about the hereditary nature of addiction, emotional and psychological disorders. I can fight off the monsters and dysfunction that are reality based and tangible. I can shield Aaron from the stupidity and irresponsibility of his biological parent's decisions and behaviors. But, how can I protect him from biological factors that may already be predetermined? How can I defend him against a legacy of dysfunction that is present in multiple generations?
Be sure to follow us on facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/AGrandmasTale