The journey to a life of grand-parenting can take numerous paths, nearly all of which begin with chaos, fears, stress, tears and heartbreak. If there is an easy way to progress into our roles, I've yet to hear about it. I will certainly share that tidbit with all of you should it ever come to my attention, but I wouldn't hold my breath!
Recently, I received a telephone call from an old acquaintance who believes her granddaughter is being neglected and endangered due to suspected drug use. The woman has begun collecting evidence that supposedly supports her claims of neglect and plans to bring it to the attention of the courts in an effort to gain custody of her granddaughter. My advice to this grandmother was to continue documenting everything and bring it to the attention of CPS and the courts. I trust that if her allegations are true, the state will intervene to protect the child. It appears her journey has only just begun and she is pursuing this path with full knowledge of the potential outcome. Not all of us have this luxury and we are blindsided by events that land these children in our care. We are left struggling to come to terms with these events ourselves and, at the same time, helping our grandchildren make sense of it all, too.
They say that you never know true worry until you're a parent. I disagree with that statement. I can trust in my own parenting ability and common sense when it comes to providing for and keeping my children safe. I didn't know true worry until I became a grandparent because our authority over our grandchild's welfare is limited. We can see deficiencies in our children's parenting ability, but we are powerless to protect these babies from their parents until the damage has already been done. Be it abuse, neglect, addiction, or all of the above. We may see it coming; sadly, we cannot protect them until it occurs and in some instances they must endure it multiple times before anything is done to permanently protect them. This can be devastating for the babies and heartbreaking for us. An additional hardship is encountered when the grandparent must intervene on behalf of the child and prove neglect or abuse to save the child. Such action leads to considerable discontent within the family and the grandparent must wrestle with thoughts of betrayal in that they are instrumental in their children losing custody of their child. Though, we know it is in the youngster's best interest.
It appears neglect, abuse, addiction and incarceration are the leading causes for grandparents raising their grandchildren. These situations wreak emotional havoc on us because we love our children and we worry about them and their wellbeing, but we also worry about the innocent babies involved. It can be incredibly painful switching out allegiance and sense of duty from our children to our grandchildren. I have settled into my new role well and yet, I still cringe at my function as buffer between Aaron and his parent's dysfunction. It feels unnatural to tell my son that he cannot take his son alone to the park to play. At the same time, I don't trust my son to be responsible enough and trusted to take his son to the park. We live our lives in a paradox hoping to make it normal for these innocent children caught in the middle. The reality is that their lives will never be normal and we cannot protect them from the abnormal circumstances, fix it, or sugar coat it. We can only hope to provide them the tools they need to cope and adapt in spite of it all.
No matter the path that led you to being a grandfamily, it hasn't been an easy one. The difficulties faced will be ongoing and will test your patience and boundaries again and again. There will be power struggles as your child tries repeatedly to assert themselves as the authority figure regardless of custody. Be strong and stay true to the limits you have in place without guilt. You can listen to their opinion and respect it, but ultimately do what you feel is in the best interest of your grandchild. Above all, remember that you have raised your child to the best of your ability and with all the love in your heart, but you cannot force them to make the right choices. Love your children in spite of the dark places they have been or are going, show them emotional support and understanding because without love , support and understanding they may not make their way out of that dark place. However, focus the bulk of your energies on the grandchildren who so desperately need your love time, attention and normalcy, as they have already experienced more than any child should.
Be sure to follow us on facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/AGrandmasTale
Recently, I received a telephone call from an old acquaintance who believes her granddaughter is being neglected and endangered due to suspected drug use. The woman has begun collecting evidence that supposedly supports her claims of neglect and plans to bring it to the attention of the courts in an effort to gain custody of her granddaughter. My advice to this grandmother was to continue documenting everything and bring it to the attention of CPS and the courts. I trust that if her allegations are true, the state will intervene to protect the child. It appears her journey has only just begun and she is pursuing this path with full knowledge of the potential outcome. Not all of us have this luxury and we are blindsided by events that land these children in our care. We are left struggling to come to terms with these events ourselves and, at the same time, helping our grandchildren make sense of it all, too.
They say that you never know true worry until you're a parent. I disagree with that statement. I can trust in my own parenting ability and common sense when it comes to providing for and keeping my children safe. I didn't know true worry until I became a grandparent because our authority over our grandchild's welfare is limited. We can see deficiencies in our children's parenting ability, but we are powerless to protect these babies from their parents until the damage has already been done. Be it abuse, neglect, addiction, or all of the above. We may see it coming; sadly, we cannot protect them until it occurs and in some instances they must endure it multiple times before anything is done to permanently protect them. This can be devastating for the babies and heartbreaking for us. An additional hardship is encountered when the grandparent must intervene on behalf of the child and prove neglect or abuse to save the child. Such action leads to considerable discontent within the family and the grandparent must wrestle with thoughts of betrayal in that they are instrumental in their children losing custody of their child. Though, we know it is in the youngster's best interest.
It appears neglect, abuse, addiction and incarceration are the leading causes for grandparents raising their grandchildren. These situations wreak emotional havoc on us because we love our children and we worry about them and their wellbeing, but we also worry about the innocent babies involved. It can be incredibly painful switching out allegiance and sense of duty from our children to our grandchildren. I have settled into my new role well and yet, I still cringe at my function as buffer between Aaron and his parent's dysfunction. It feels unnatural to tell my son that he cannot take his son alone to the park to play. At the same time, I don't trust my son to be responsible enough and trusted to take his son to the park. We live our lives in a paradox hoping to make it normal for these innocent children caught in the middle. The reality is that their lives will never be normal and we cannot protect them from the abnormal circumstances, fix it, or sugar coat it. We can only hope to provide them the tools they need to cope and adapt in spite of it all.
No matter the path that led you to being a grandfamily, it hasn't been an easy one. The difficulties faced will be ongoing and will test your patience and boundaries again and again. There will be power struggles as your child tries repeatedly to assert themselves as the authority figure regardless of custody. Be strong and stay true to the limits you have in place without guilt. You can listen to their opinion and respect it, but ultimately do what you feel is in the best interest of your grandchild. Above all, remember that you have raised your child to the best of your ability and with all the love in your heart, but you cannot force them to make the right choices. Love your children in spite of the dark places they have been or are going, show them emotional support and understanding because without love , support and understanding they may not make their way out of that dark place. However, focus the bulk of your energies on the grandchildren who so desperately need your love time, attention and normalcy, as they have already experienced more than any child should.
Be sure to follow us on facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/AGrandmasTale