My weekend began great and ended with a migraine headache, sleepless night and knots in my stomach. My husband and I had our annual barbeque with a wonderful turnout of family and friends on Saturday, sharing oodles of fun and laughter. Come Sunday we were exhausted but happy as we cleaned up the mess from the previous day's festivities and in the evening we relaxed in front of the television sharing snippets from the day before. That's when I noticed the little red notification alert on my facebook page from across the room. It was a message from my youngest son's ex-girlfriend (not Aaron's mother), telling me that since my son didn't seem to care; she thought I should know that she was pregnant with his child. Some invisible force squeezed all of the air from my lungs and tilted the ground beneath my feet...
When my son was released from the youth detention center we provided him with a large box of condoms, I even went so far as to offer to pay for him to have a vasectomy in an effort to prevent this very thing from occurring. I figured that at the very least he wouldn't be able to afford to have it reversed until he was older, wiser and more stable. But, he obviously declined the offer and now, less than three months later, my fears have come to fruition. He has been avoiding us since I received that message and it is likely for the best, as I have no idea what I would do or say if he were in front of me. He apparently has appointed himself as a world populationist with no consideration for the children he is bringing into this world. Perhaps it wouldn't be as devastating
if he at least chose to lay with women capable of providing a loving, healthy, stable environment for the child. The latest female he chose as a vessel for his child regularly posts about drug usage and parties and has been with multiple men (yes, a paternity test is definitely in the future).
As for my husband and me, we're darn angry. We are the hands shaking kind of angry, the quiet waiting to explode kind of angry. Today we were testy with one another and I immediately backed up and said "no, we're not going to take this anger out on one another" and we hugged onto each other long and hard. It is so not fair, not to us and not to that innocent baby. Part of us wants nothing to do with this new child because we can't go through another round of drama, worry and heartache. The other part knows that the actions of these stupid, selfish kids are no fault of that baby and we can't possibly abandon our grandchild out of fear for the future. I am literally sick to my stomach over the content of that horrible message. I pray that she gives the baby up for adoption to some loving family who knows how to place the needs of their child ahead of all else. I pray that something falls onto the heads of these kids and knocks some common sense into place. I pray for strength as the future unfolds....
Where does it stop? When does the chaos come to an end? Do we ever reach a point to which we simply don't care anymore? Does the anger we have for the irresponsible actions of these kids one day evolve into indifference? Do they beat us down repeatedly with their thoughtless act until we no longer like our own children?
I'm afraid... I'm afraid that not likely what my son does will someday morph into not liking my son.
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