Those of us caring for our grandchildren because their biological parents are too dysfunctional to do so, should relate to where I'm going today. As parents it's natural to demand, lecture, cajole and plead with our children to clean up their lives, get their priorities straight and start making healthy life decisions. Because we became the legal guardians of Aaron's mother while she was still a pregnant teenager, I was equally obligated to try and guide her behavior onto healthier paths as I would my son's. That left me beyond blue in the face, I'm sure that had I looked in the mirror after a day of double lectures and pleading I'd find I resembled "Violet" of Willy Wonker and the Chocolate Factory! The fact that we have our grandchildren shows that our efforts often fail leaving us frustrated, disappointed and disheartened. If you're anything like me, I have relied heavily on my close family and friends for support. I can call them at anytime of day (and my mom at any time of night) and vent my frustrations and concerns. I have ranted and raved about the irresponsibility, selfishness, complete stupidity and drama of these kids (usually by phone), and bemoaned the effect their decisions will have on Aaron as he grows.
I recall just a few weeks ago, after a particularly rough day, proclaiming to my husband as he came home from work "if I had Aaron's parents in front of me I'd likely punch them both in the nose". On another occasion and equally bad day, Aaron's mother called and I refused to answer the phone, telling my husband "if I answer it I'm probably not going to be nice". I didn't say these things because I am violent person (I've never actually hit anyone, ever!) But, it was intended to convey to my husnabd in an easily understood manner my level of stress and frustration on these particularly days. These are additional times when I would vent either to husband or someone close to me. Recently, I've had to alter my therapeutic venting because little boys and girls have ears. Aaron is still quite young at just 27 months old and typically oblivious to any "adult" conversation going on around him. He may climb on his human jungle gym, play at my feet or nearby appearing completely unaware of any grown-up discussion; unless, we happen to mention a walk, ice-cream or any other keywords that will snatch a small child's attention and result in a barrage of requests until fulfilled.
A couple of weeks ago my sister in-law, niece and nephew came to spend the day swimming. Aaron knows and correctly identifies them as "Auntie", "Moo-Moo" and "Zee", but on this day, within a couple of hours he began mimicking his big cousins by calling Auntie "Mom" as he heard the big kids refer to her. I realized that he was understanding far more than I had been giving him credit for and decided that the time to cease discussing his parents within earshot had come. I'm sure he has no grasp of what is being said, but he can understand enough and that is unacceptable to me. I never want to influence his love or view of his parents in any way. If he perceives his parents as bad, he may view himself as bad because he is half of his parents. Once those notions build in their little heads it is difficult to undo the damage to their self-esteem. This little boy is going to have enough to come to terms with as he gets older, particularly if his parents never manage to "pull it together" and I do not want to ever add to that burden.
So, I have resolved to not discuss my frustrations, disapproval or disappointments over the behaviors of Aaron's parents in a way that can be overheard by his little ears from here and on into the future. If the little one is outside, they may hear through an open window or creep silently to the door without you knowing and overhear something hurtful or confusing. They may hear from another room or slip down the stairs unnoticed when you thought they were busy in their room. They may also be lying awake listening when you thought they were asleep; they are quite sneaky like that, I think they're afraid to miss out on any grown-up fun. A good rule to adopt is that if they are within the vicinity and the potential for even an accidental eavesdropping exists, button it. Tell whomever you're talking to that you'll explain another time when little ears are not about, I'm sure they will understand.
We've taken these little people in out of love and a desire to protect them from the dysfunction, neglectful or abusiveness of their parents. However, words, misinformation and notions distorted by the minds of a little one can be just as harmful. I don't want Aaron to measure himself by his parents dysfunction and it would break my heart if the manner in which his parents choose to live their lives cast a shadow of self doubt on his sweet, little face, even for the briefest of moments. So, my venting sessions are now reserved for lunch dates alone with my mom, or here to share with all of you, and in the inboxes of my closest friends where they can do no harm and still allow me to purge my frustrations. At home, when Aaron is lurking around unknown corners waiting to jump out at me with his chocolate covered fingers capable of destroying my favorite white shorts (that's another story) --- I button it.
I recall just a few weeks ago, after a particularly rough day, proclaiming to my husband as he came home from work "if I had Aaron's parents in front of me I'd likely punch them both in the nose". On another occasion and equally bad day, Aaron's mother called and I refused to answer the phone, telling my husband "if I answer it I'm probably not going to be nice". I didn't say these things because I am violent person (I've never actually hit anyone, ever!) But, it was intended to convey to my husnabd in an easily understood manner my level of stress and frustration on these particularly days. These are additional times when I would vent either to husband or someone close to me. Recently, I've had to alter my therapeutic venting because little boys and girls have ears. Aaron is still quite young at just 27 months old and typically oblivious to any "adult" conversation going on around him. He may climb on his human jungle gym, play at my feet or nearby appearing completely unaware of any grown-up discussion; unless, we happen to mention a walk, ice-cream or any other keywords that will snatch a small child's attention and result in a barrage of requests until fulfilled.
A couple of weeks ago my sister in-law, niece and nephew came to spend the day swimming. Aaron knows and correctly identifies them as "Auntie", "Moo-Moo" and "Zee", but on this day, within a couple of hours he began mimicking his big cousins by calling Auntie "Mom" as he heard the big kids refer to her. I realized that he was understanding far more than I had been giving him credit for and decided that the time to cease discussing his parents within earshot had come. I'm sure he has no grasp of what is being said, but he can understand enough and that is unacceptable to me. I never want to influence his love or view of his parents in any way. If he perceives his parents as bad, he may view himself as bad because he is half of his parents. Once those notions build in their little heads it is difficult to undo the damage to their self-esteem. This little boy is going to have enough to come to terms with as he gets older, particularly if his parents never manage to "pull it together" and I do not want to ever add to that burden.
So, I have resolved to not discuss my frustrations, disapproval or disappointments over the behaviors of Aaron's parents in a way that can be overheard by his little ears from here and on into the future. If the little one is outside, they may hear through an open window or creep silently to the door without you knowing and overhear something hurtful or confusing. They may hear from another room or slip down the stairs unnoticed when you thought they were busy in their room. They may also be lying awake listening when you thought they were asleep; they are quite sneaky like that, I think they're afraid to miss out on any grown-up fun. A good rule to adopt is that if they are within the vicinity and the potential for even an accidental eavesdropping exists, button it. Tell whomever you're talking to that you'll explain another time when little ears are not about, I'm sure they will understand.
We've taken these little people in out of love and a desire to protect them from the dysfunction, neglectful or abusiveness of their parents. However, words, misinformation and notions distorted by the minds of a little one can be just as harmful. I don't want Aaron to measure himself by his parents dysfunction and it would break my heart if the manner in which his parents choose to live their lives cast a shadow of self doubt on his sweet, little face, even for the briefest of moments. So, my venting sessions are now reserved for lunch dates alone with my mom, or here to share with all of you, and in the inboxes of my closest friends where they can do no harm and still allow me to purge my frustrations. At home, when Aaron is lurking around unknown corners waiting to jump out at me with his chocolate covered fingers capable of destroying my favorite white shorts (that's another story) --- I button it.