girlfriend messaged me to say she was pregnant and my son is the father. I was in shock, angry and disappointed; however, I didn't cry. I got a cold kind of angry, a hardness and resentment. I recalled a conversation I had with Aaron's social worker back when we were still going through the foster licensing process. How adamant I was that my husband and I would not raise anymore children. Aaron was to be the only grandchild we raised and we would not go through any of this again. Our social worker related to me a story of another grandmother she knew, whose daughter kept having babies and the grandmother took each one. One after another she took in these babies and raised them until she had taken in 5 of them. FIVE grandbabies all by the same daughter, none were twins! Then the daughter had number 6 and the grandmother said "No", she had recognized that she couldn't continue to care for what was apparently going to be an endless stream of children until her daughter passed childbearing age.
I DO NOT want to be THAT grandmother. How many is enough? How many children do we take in when our children are irresponsible over and over again? Are we doing a good deed for these grandbabies by keeping all the children together in spite of the mental, physical, financial and emotional toll it takes on us? I'm not talking about the decision to take three established siblings at
once; just those grandbabies our children keep making back to back, as if their life goal is to single-handedly populate the earth without the will or capability to raise them. How many is enough for the grandparents swooping in to the rescue for these little ones? How much of our sanity and wellbeing do we sacrifice? More importantly, is that sacrifice conducive to a healthy, happy home environment for these children we try to save?
My logical self says: No you cannot take in another grandchild. I do not have the energy, health or patience to take on additional children beyond Aaron. However, my heart, my traitorous heart says: It's not that baby's fault its parents are selfish, irresponsible jerks. My heart wants to protect that baby from all the chaos and neglect it's sure to know in their care. I pray nearly every day that this girl will suddenly realize she isn't prepared for parenthood and place the baby for adoption, but I know that is unlikely. I hope that if it falls apart it, it does so while the baby is very young and can be placed in foster care and adopted by a loving family. I pray fervently, that I have the sanity and willpower to override my heart and say "No" I cannot take another baby.
Fortunately, my husband's resolve is much stronger than my own and I will rely on his strength should the day come that we are asked to take another child. It will no doubt be devastating to let go, but I can't imagine stressed, tired, unhealthy, grumpy grandparents will be a far cry better than the dysfunction of their parents. I can't picture myself as a good role model, mentor and parent when so overwhelmed with parenting multiple children at my age. Perhaps I would find an inner strength that, as of yet, I do not know exists. Possibly, I would find joy in the task in spite of the burden and just maybe everything will turn out just fine.
So, how many is enough? I think that question can only be answered by each and every one of you. It varies from grandparent to grandparent. Certainly, each of us has the heart capacity to take each and every one of the grandbabies who come our way. But the emotional, financial and psychological capability is going to vary for each of us. I'm not real confident in my ability to take two grandchildren, but I'm damn sure I couldn't take 4 or 5 of them! However, some of you could. Some of you could strike a balance between the stress and joy while filling your home with little loved ones. I salute those of you who can or have, I am envious of the perpetual gift of love you give and receive.
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