Early in 2012 my son, Aaron's father, tested positive for Valium after an off grounds trip away from the youth detention center. He had been weeks away from earning early release through successful completion of the program. Because he once again tested positive for drugs, his level in the program was reduced and it is likely he will not be released until his birthday in late spring of 2013.
In May, I completed my schooling and earned my four-year degree with a 3.9 GPA while raising little Aaron. My pride and happiness over my success was short-lived when my favorite Aunt passed away a week later.
In November, we legally adopted Aaron, securing his safety, security and happiness in the future. Once again, that joy was short-lived when our family dog of 9 years passed away a couple of days later from kidney failure.
In December, the anticipation and holiday cheer was shattered when my beloved mother passed away unexpectedly just a few days before Christmas. I am the youngest child of three and the only girl, and I'm not ashamed to say I was spoiled rotten. My mother and I were extremely close and it has been a near unbearable pain to experience. She had only been 65 years-old, but she had a poor heart and had undergone multiple surgeries in the past couple of years. For now, I stay strong and make it through each day because my Dad needs me, Aaron needs me and my husband needs me.
Last night I was reflecting on the last couple of weeks, which is more or less a big blur of grief and desperation. It dawned on me that Aaron's biological mother hadn't been in touch since mid-November. She never came by at Christmas, didn't send Aaron a gift or card, not even a Christmas telephone call. It caused me to become frustrated and angry, even more so as explained how I felt to my husband. Her continued lack of interest in Aaron's life and visits twice a year, when it's convenient, can't be healthy for his emotional development. He is such a intuitive child whose capacity to empathize is far beyond his meager two and a half years. At my mother's funeral service I explained to him that we were saying goodbye to "Nannie" and that she was going away to take care of Zo-Zo (our dog who recently passed) for us, as I told him this I began to cry. Aaron looked at me and said "G-ma sad?" and I responded that yes, I was sad. He then asked me if he could hug me and when I said yes he climbed onto my lap and gave me the tightest hug he's ever given.
It troubles me greatly to think that his mother may wreak emotional havoc on this sweet, sensitive child with her dismissive attitude and lack of genuine interest in him and his life. As a result my husband and I have begun seriously considering cutting ties with her. As Aaron gets older and asks questions we would be honest and matter of fact, but always allow him the option of contacting her if he chooses. I'm very torn on this matter and still need to give it more consideration. I fear that my mother's death has left me emotional, angry and frustrated. These are not the kinds of feelings I should allow myself to make important decisions on and I'm not prone to being impulsive in that manner. Yet, part of me wants desperately to move on, to clean all the negative elements from my life and hug the remaining joys close to my heart. My husband, little Aaron, my Daddy and my close friends. Except, again, I feel I am likely motivated by my grief rather than logic and long term consideration. I just want life to feel normal and full again, or as close to normal and full as it can be without Mom.
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