Today Aaron's mother posted on a social networking site:
"Day 13 of no smoking!!!!! ;) ... pshhh i don't even know why i bothered spending so much money on cigarettes. This just means i have more money to spend on Serenity"
As I initially began reading, I thought "good for her", it's great to see her give up smoking. But, as I read the last sentence I felt my blood begin to boil and my anger and frustration surface once again. Serenity, her new baby. What about Aaron? It isn't that I want her to spend money on Aaron, as parenting grandparents we probably spoil him a bit too much. But she doesn't even bother to give him her time, let alone a telephone call to just talk to him. I allow myself to be repeatedly disappointed in her lack of interest in her son. I have hoarded so many disappointments regarding her continued inattentiveness toward this darling little boy and yet, I still allow myself to collect more. I anticipate that there will be no change and still I allow myself to experience more disappointment because she lives up to my pessimistic expectation.
I also hoard disappointments over my son and his inability to make healthy, honest choices to change his life direction. He calls each week from the youth detention center to talk to Aaron and tell us how he is doing in his program. As he relates his successes and plans for the future I find myself thinking "I'll believe it when I see it" because of so many past disappointments. I have become jaded to the process and his enthusiasm is lost on me after so many empty promises to do better. This saddens me more than any other disappointment because he is my son and I want a better life for him . Each and every time he does well I am torn between "maybe this time" and waiting for that other shoe to drop. I loathe that I have lost faith in my son's ability to do well; However, I can't escape that yearning for him to prove me wrong.
I realized this morning that I don't like the person these disappointments are creating. I don't like my negative perspective, I don't like the lack of enthusiasm or the feelings of unprovoked distrust. It has not made me a better person, it's making me a bitter person. I don't like that kind of person, so why am I allowing myself to morph into one? Today I made a conscious choice to let those disappointments go and to allow myself to move on from those things I cannot change or control. I am sure I will face more in the future, but I resolve to experience them, embrace them and then leave them. I cannot control whether Aaron's mother chooses to build or abandon a relationship with her son. I will accept the disappointment that comes with that, embrace the unavoidable sadness it creates and then leave it in the past where it no longer influences my emotions. I cannot force my son to make the right decisions for his future. I can encourage him with genuine hope for his future while maintaining boundaries. I can offer my love and support without enabling him to continue unhealthy behavior. I can make sure their little boy is as safe and as happy as a child should be. I can enjoy each day without worrying when the next disappointment will come. I can make certain that I am not suffocating under the weight of all life's disappointments by letting them go and by moving on to relish the rewarding and fulfilling aspects of my life. I can choose to be happy, regardless of how many disappoints are thrown my way.
I hope each of you choose to be happy, too.