Sometimes when we think the storm that we call "life" is beginning to subside, the winds again whip up to gale force... I have wanted to resume my blogging for weeks, but my mind just will not cooperate with me. Each time I sit down to write I completely lose my ability to concentrate; to be honest, I have no idea where to even begin after so many months away. I'm told this lack of concentration and poor memory is normal, they call it "chemo brain".
Approximately a week after writing my last article in September 2013, I was admitted to the hospital with a collapsed lung. While receiving treatment it was discovered that I had the early stages of lung cancer and in the final week of October 2013 the lower lobe of my left lung was removed. I began chemotherapy in January and though I finished in March, my health is still considerably less than it was before my hospital tour. The chemo therapy has left me with what is called peripheral neuropathy and the "chemo brain". It isn't just my focus and memory, even my sense of humor seems to have diminished. Above all, I worry how all of this has impacted my little Beastie.
Aaron is now 4 years old and appears to be doing quite well. However, I've noticed a distinct stutter that seemed to kick in at about the same time I was admitted to the hospital. He has seen too many tears and now feels it's his duty to make funny faces to cheer me when he thinks I'm sad. He also has a strong aversion to either of us leaving to go to work or shopping. I hate to think this has all had a long term negative effect on him.
My greatest fear is that of leaving him even in death. I am so much more aware of my own mortality and it physically pains me to think I could become yet another loss in his young life. Even if I survive the cancer, any number of health issues or accidents could take us away from him. I remember as a young mother praying God will allow me to live long enough to raise my children and he did. Now I pray that he allow me to live long enough to raise my grandson. Each day I wonder what will become of him if anything happens to me. Each day I wish I had taken better care of myself when I had the chance. In the meantime, I strive to get well, beat this cancer and live healthier in mind and body. I am waiting for the storm to calm once more.
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Approximately a week after writing my last article in September 2013, I was admitted to the hospital with a collapsed lung. While receiving treatment it was discovered that I had the early stages of lung cancer and in the final week of October 2013 the lower lobe of my left lung was removed. I began chemotherapy in January and though I finished in March, my health is still considerably less than it was before my hospital tour. The chemo therapy has left me with what is called peripheral neuropathy and the "chemo brain". It isn't just my focus and memory, even my sense of humor seems to have diminished. Above all, I worry how all of this has impacted my little Beastie.
Aaron is now 4 years old and appears to be doing quite well. However, I've noticed a distinct stutter that seemed to kick in at about the same time I was admitted to the hospital. He has seen too many tears and now feels it's his duty to make funny faces to cheer me when he thinks I'm sad. He also has a strong aversion to either of us leaving to go to work or shopping. I hate to think this has all had a long term negative effect on him.
My greatest fear is that of leaving him even in death. I am so much more aware of my own mortality and it physically pains me to think I could become yet another loss in his young life. Even if I survive the cancer, any number of health issues or accidents could take us away from him. I remember as a young mother praying God will allow me to live long enough to raise my children and he did. Now I pray that he allow me to live long enough to raise my grandson. Each day I wonder what will become of him if anything happens to me. Each day I wish I had taken better care of myself when I had the chance. In the meantime, I strive to get well, beat this cancer and live healthier in mind and body. I am waiting for the storm to calm once more.
Be sure to follow us on facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/AGrandmasTale