The title Apples and Oranges guides me today in my goal of addressing differences. As I began, I acknowledged the different circumstances that brought our grandchildren into our care. Now I'll shift gears and cover a difference that has been a HUGE source of frustration, anger and disappointment to me.
Our grandson, Aaron, was originally placed with us when he was a month old. His mother was emotionally unstable and my son, committed a crime and entered the juvenile justice system. Since it was his first offense he was given a 10 day shock sentence in the youth detention center and 1 year of probation. He repeatedly tested positive for marijuana and his probation officer had him recommitted to the youth detention center. Aaron's mother entered a state-run group home designed to assist at risk mothers with Aaron when he was 3 months old. She refused to follow the rules while there and was at risk of being kicked out when she chose to leave the program on her own after 6 months. That was when my husband and I were asked to take our grandson permanently; he was 9 months old. Our goal was to provide Aaron with a safe and stable home while allowing him to still know his parents and enjoy their love and attention. We planned to explain to Aaron one day when he asked, that mom and dad were simply too young to handle the enormous responsibility of being a parent. In rolls more frustration, anger and disappointment. Initially, Aaron's mother would come to visit him about every other week. That fell off to about every other month and she has seen Aaron only 3 times this year. She became pregnant again (not by our son) one year after giving Aaron up and suffered a miscarriage. One month later she was pregnant again (again, not by our son) and she is expecting a baby later this year. We have an open door policy in which she can come any day, she doesn't. She calls and cancels or just plain doesn't show up. Our son has been repeatedly released only to test positive for marijuana over and over again and returned to the youth detention center. Each time these situations arose I would become so frustrated and angry as to why these kids could not do the right thing for their little boy. Why didn't they straighten out their lives and be responsible for him? Why didn't they live their lives to be a role model for him? Why didn't they make time to see him? If I was his mother in that situation I would be there spending time with him every chance I got!!!
Then it hits me..."I would be there every chance I got" and they are not. There's the reason we are raising Aaron and his parents are not. Good parents adjust their lives and make the child's welfare and interests come first. Good parents want to be a positive role model for their children, they want to teach their children to be good, responsible, moral individuals. Those things the parents do that anger us, frustrate us and disappoint us aren't likely to stop, at least not any time soon. I've come to understand and accept (at least to some degree) that Aaron is here for a reason and that reason is because his parents are incapable of thinking and behaving as responsible parents. Therefore, I should not expect differently and I should not be disappointed when their behavior reaffirms that Aaron is exactly where he needs to be. We are the apples and the biological parents are the oranges.
It is 2:30am as I finish this piece. I'm tired and feel as though I have rambled and repeated myself needlessly. But, a two year old isn't very cooperative with my efforts to write during "his" daytime. I hope I don't cringe with regret upon rereading this later in the morning! I also hope that I've made enough sense to some of you to alleviate some of the stress and frustrations you're coping with in your lives.
Hasta La Pasta....Until next time!